Sunday, June 26, 2011

Talking on My Diary

hey readers,

What have you been doing? :)

I have just passed a very longggggg day. As usual, I couldn't sleep well last night. I woke up for several times bcs of stupid nightmares and worries. You know what, I'm really tired being like this. hmph. Deeply inside, I really wanna get out from this helling condition. Time is really needed right now. I hardly got up from my bed and looked at myself in the mirror. Gosh, I looked HORRIBLE! So I took a pretty long showah, creambathed my hair, massaged my body, just did everything to clean myself up. After that, I went to HOME to practice some songs with my friends for our final performance which will be held on 3rd of July in the afternoon. We had lunch there then we went to Sun Plaza. I bought some books for Vilkent then we sat at Foodcourt and did nothing except of playing Ipod, bb, and reading Vilkent's comics. Some minutes after that, we felt hungry. So, we went to Itco, my favourite resto to have some food to eat. We ate a lotttttttt, esp William and Wilson. They are robots I guess. hahaha. Then I went home. Not directly to my home actually. I accompanied my family plus Stefanie, my sister's bff to have a dinner at Dazam Raya Seafood Resto. Me and Vilkent couldn't eat anything anm. Swear. After they had finished their dinner,  I seriously went home.


Just done taking my showah and now I am wearing my pyjamas. I turned my computer on, yes, my lappie sucks like hell! So, forget about it. Erm, I asked ppl what should I write for my blog this time on bbm, and I got some replies. "What's your ambition?", "Tell me about your love-life", "What type of boy do you like?", "What do you think about Long Distance Relationship? Can you do that?", "Write something about girls please. I need your ideas", and the last "You will leave hometown soon. How do you feel? Share it on your blog." (I translated some of them ok). Hmmm, ok guys, I'll keep your requests and start answering them one by one, but tomorrow ok. But for you who asked me question number 2, I need to tell you first, it's complicated, boring, and un-normal. So, still wanna know? You can answer me on bbm if you read my blog.

I need to go now. Mom is calling me. She got a headache and need me to massage her head. I'll share what you want me to, tomorrow. I promise.


Special thanks to my lovely friends who have accompanied me for almost 6 hours today. I love you guys.

Well, I'll go back to my real life now, a girl who is still trying to cheer herself up, pretend that everything's alright, raise her own mood, and keep some hopes inside her heart; a good daughter with tons of responsibilities and dreams to take with. I need to recover soon. So, goodnight readers. Have a good time and don't ever waste your time for something or someone who will never appreciate you.

Cya tomorrow!

Warmest smile,


Friday, June 24, 2011

A Song to Sing : Tega by Rossa

Menjelang hari bahagiamu
kau tak pernah aku bersedih
kau lupakan semua kenangan lalu
lalu kau campakkan begitu saja
aku tahu dirimu kini
telah ada yang memiliki
tapi bagaimanakah dengan diriku
tak mungkin ku sanggup untuk kehilangan dirimu
aku tahu bukan saatnya
tuk mengharap cintamu lagi
tapi bagaimanakah dengan hatiku
tak mungkin ku sanggup hidup begini
tanpa cintamu
tak ingatkah kau dulu pernah berjanji
bahagiakan diriku slamanya
tak berartikah cinta kita yang lalu
hingga kau bersama dengan dirinya
aku tahu bukan saatnya
tuk mengharap cintamu lagi
tapi bagaimanakah dengan hatiku
tak mungkin ku sanggup hidup begini
tanpa cinta darimu
aku tahu dirimu kini
telah ada yang memiliki
tapi bagaimanakah dengan aku
tak mungkin ku sanggup hidup begini
tanpa cintamu


One of my friends suggested me this song when I asked her what song suits my voice. I know this song. I planned to sing this song some years ago at my sch but I cancelled it bcs I thought this would be too much and ppl would start gossiping about me that time, again, that time. Tell ya, I will have a singing performance, with my friends next week. Hmpph, last performance actually. I'm gonna miss my teacher, Miss Rohani, my big brother, Wilson, my small brother, William, and my pretty sister, Julya. *sobsob
Well, this song wasn't very popular actually, but the words, every single word is very meaningful. Besides, some of the sentences, only some ok, could really represent my unexpressed feelings and words. Don't try guessing ok readers. Don't. Okay, you can check the song out on the video I posted above if you want, what do you think readers?

Till there

With love,


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Cloudy Morning

good morning,

I couldn't sleep well last night bcs of stupid nightmares. I woke up thrice and I now I am sleepy like crazy. I really never expect those nightmares. They just made my condition and mood even worse. sighh. Some reviews of my dreams. My first dream was about I got a bbm from someone which said that " I'm falling down from the stairs, help!" and it successfully woke me up at 1am in the morning.  I was shocked and straightly checked my bbm. Of course there was no bbm like that, just dream. Stupid me.

I continued my sleep and again, I got another weird dream which woke me up at 3am. Actually this dream wasn't too far from the reality. Like flashback. I was on a car, with someone. Laughing, playing, chatting and....hmph, just skip. I hate why I should be given this dream. I feel sorry for myself, for everyone bcs of this. Dark memories. Actually it wasn't dark once and never feel sorry for that. Moreover, I feel happy. But I never imagine that things changed, ppl changed. I regret everything right now, but still, I can't do anything. I hate, really hate this condition. Yes you, you and you you never know how it feels. This is one of the strongest reasons why I still stand till now in STUPID conditions like this. What do you ppl know hah? Nothing. You can just pretend that YOU are right, and I am WRONG. Also, complain, complain, and complain. Did you complain to me before? Never. Never ok. So it's awkward when now you start complaining for what has happened. I just HATE this. And do kindly stop reminding me about this by giving me succha nightmare to me. Enough. Really enough. Don't give this dream to me anm give it to those ppl who feel they are right and great. I'm so done with this, God. Really.

I hardly fall asleep, very hard. But dream fairy was examining me again I guess. This time, my dream was about I got lotta sentences given by someone since some years ago. Very clear played in my dreams. I told myself "wake up, wake up, enough, STOP this" for so many times. But I wasn't allowed to wake up. The sentences kept going, moving circling on my head, till the last two words I heard about was " parents" and I woke up. You are messing up with me, fairy. Serious. I won't talk too much about this. Ppl who understand, will know what I mean. For you who understand this, let me tell you. I am honestly sick with this stupid reason. You shouldn't come if you were still considering about this once. Shouldn't. You should have listened to me and them once. The fact is,  you didn't. So, don't blame me for everything and don't run from the reality. Please think wisely and logically. Don't act like a coward. I still hope you aren't.

I continued my sleep till 8.11am. I really have no idea how my day today will be. I have started my day with horrible conditions. Why, really why. hmphh. Stupid fucking dreams. I have to treat ppl well and I have to survive in this conditions. I had un-normal but pretty happy life once. Now, I have un-normal and unhappy life. So, this is what you say good ppl? Readers, I will probably die soon or later. Sigh.

" You never know how is the feeling of you want to climb a mountain and reach the top, but your conditions and ppl keep dragging you down and down. You can't move on, but you can't give up either, unless you will fall down and they will laugh at you ."

You ppl give me enough pressures and difficulties. Sometimes, please stop thinking about your wants and needs. I have mine too. I don't want and won't stay forever like this. If my goodness and understanding aren't appreciated, then I'll try something different. So, please understand.

Gg to have my showah and breakfast. Bless my day, God. Bless my family, friends, lovers, and haters. Rise and shine, ppl! :)

With sigh and smile,


Thursday the Tearsday


I feel so unwell today, actually these days. Last two days, I spent my night at my friend's house, Carissa. Things went pretty well until the next morning. I woke up and smiling like baby because of "I-have-forgotten" dream. I grabbed my phone and straightly checked my bbm, as usual. There was someone who always greets me every morning, every afternoon, every evening, every night, every time. So, I clicked his name and well, it was pretty disappointing bcs it wasn't as what I expected. But, who cares? I was feeling so happy that time. Then, I signed in to Twitter to check if I got mentions or not. There was a name occur on the top of my timeline. I clicked, then again, I got another disappointment for there was a thing I don't expect to see. Frankly, I lost my mood. Then, my mom bbm me. She told me to get ready bcs she was on her way to fetch me. With broken mood and messy condition, i just agreed. That time, I wholly lost my mood. All.

I finished my shower then I checked my bbm again. I got a bbm from well, someone. I was blamed bcs of one of my tweet which expressed my anger that morning. It's just like..WHAT?? Did I do any mistakes? My life has been complicated enough. Really. Although everything seems soo OK, deeply inside, nothing's OK. But well, I can still tolerate everything that went so wrong and tried to fix everything up so AT LEAST, I or either others can have a better life, no noises, less problems, and easier way to face this hard life. I had tried. Tried to tolerate, tried to understand, tried to learn, tried to be better, tried to control my unforgivable moods, tried to act nice, tried everything. Then, I still got blamed? I don't know is it me or what, but for me that was unfair. Logically, I should get a text "Are you ok?" or "What's wrong?" or "Do you need me as a listener?" Well, hmph, far from what I expected.What a good morning, wasn't it? Yes, the bad news is, it lasts till now. deeepppdeeepppsiggghhh.

This morning, again, I've been so rough to some ppl. I talked annoyingly and disgustingly. I didn't mean to do so, very honest. I really wish I could wake up and start a morning with smiles and laughs. No fears, no worries. But another again, not as what I expected. Sometimes I asked my God, where are You? I said prayers everytime before I went to bed. But why? None of them are fulfilled. I am really tired of this, swear. I never asked You to take all my problems, but please, don't give me too much problems, Father. Also, strengthen me and please wake those ppl up. I really wish some of them could really understand and at least appreciate my efforts for them these long. I'm also a girl with sensitive feelings and limited patiences. Rougher you talk to me, rougher I'll talk to you, ppl. I can't share anything belongs or will belong to me soon or later, and I just can't control my anger for this. This is a special exception. And please, don't judge me easily or act like you know everything about me. You know nothing ppl. Again, NOTHING. Sorry for the ppl I talked rough to today. If you ppl read this, please appologize me. I never mean so. I never want to ruin anyone's dreams, life, or future. Never. Bcs of that, please avoid messing up with me and please give a bit understanding. Just that.

This morning I did nothing except of sleeping, bbm-ing, eating, and hoping. yeah I know the last one sounds so weird and stupid. Hoping? for what? For the things that will never happen? But again, who cares. We never know what will happen next. Just, hope yet believe but don't expect too high. In the afternoon, I went to "HOME" with my lovely hairy science teacher, HJ and some more friends. We sang some songs and had some food to eat. I took my cute brother with me, Vilkent. I may say this is the last time I could hang out with HJ's team. Uni life will separate us soon. On my way home, I had some talks with Jojo and Abonk about well, love-life. Just short chat. Mine and Jojo's were 180' degrees from Abonk's. :( Well, skip this. Everything will be good in the time. Cheer up, Vero. XD

Here are some photos of the day:

I arrived home then turned my lappie on and now I am typing this on my blog while waiting for replies on my bbm. Wondering why it takes so long. :/ Anw, I haven't eaten anything for my dinner and I'm seriously starving. Craving for roasted chicken, sighhh. Ok, till here readers. Gg to take my shower and practice singing. I'm gg to give last performance at somewhere some more days forward with my friends, and I hate to say, I'm hopeless..T.T

" Ppl may hate me for some reasons and conditions, but the truth is, they hate me bcs of the story they don't even know at all . And dear haters, tell you some secrets, just hate me the way you want, I will pray for you right here with a hope that someday, you could really understand my conditions and stop hating me. Thanks for hating me, I love you haters.  "

Will come back later readers...

With tears and bitter smile,


Monday, June 6, 2011

Dear, blog

hdyd, mates

my life sucks these days, no, i mean these several months. Person and people changed. I don't understand why some ppl were born with a very lack of understanding. Why is it so hard to understand others? Sometimes I wonder why God gives me this kind of life. I'm just a human, like others. is it too much if I want to be understood and appreciated? is it too much if sometimes I envy other people life bcs some of them are surrounded by lovely people and lovely one? I want, but I'm not forcing, I'm hoping and praying. What's wrong with that? I feel like whatever I did were wrong. I tried to be good these months. really. I learned to stop complaining, stop expecting, stop asking, stop crying, stop begging, stop hoping, and start smiling. The number of my smiles is increasing everyday for you to know. This is not bcs I want to or I'm happy, but this is simply bcs of you. I tried to appreciate everything you did for me, but why you never understand. 

I feel so sad when you prefer to defend others. What have they done for you till you do so? What? Nothing. Then why? You never know how depressed I am when I have no one to tell my problems about.. Even when I told you, you blamed me for no reasons. You really have no idea for this. What you want to know are just your problems, your problems, your problems, your own happiness, the boys and overall, the girls. I don't understand the relation between some of my problems with them. I never did anything bad to anyone, then why should you blame me for that? Aren't you happy enough flirting with them these long yet telling lies to me? Then what else are you asking for??? Is it still me who is wrong? I really don't understand the way you or some ppl think.

Sometimes I feel like you listened to them like a pet listen to its owner. This is rough I know, but please sit and think. Is it right or not. So if someday they asked you to kill me, you will still do that bcs you sacrifice anything for them? and bcs you and them are always right? hm? you are like a stranger for me. you turned into a regular stone. same as others.

All of my efforts these long maybe meaningless for you. I fell stupid sometimes why should I do and give everything to you once. If you tell me earlier, maybe this won't be like this. But the fact is, you never told me so before. Never. You took a chance to mess up everything like this with reason, your family. But frankly, i don't really believe that's your main reason these days. You showed me that these are simply bcs of that fucking boys and bitchy girls you loved. Is that your main point? If yes, then just tell me. I wanna know the truth. Please stop lying. sigh.

I know complaining is not a good way to solve anything. Ok, I'm not complaining, I'm chatting, with my own blog since there was no one I could talk to and I believed in. So, anyone who reads my blog, DO NOT complain about anything. If you dislike, BACK OFF.

Above all, for you, yes you. Don't point at anyone. Please try to understand, I'm just a girl, not a supergirl or wonderwoman. Sometimes, I want to being understood and appreciated.  Just some-times....