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13 January 2012 : "I love my life now, but I do miss some parts of my life too"
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The heading above represents all of my feelings right now. something is mixing inside this heart; the feeling of loving a guy who has changed my life, the feeling of longing my friends and family, the feeling of facing the present, and the feeling of predicting how the future will be yet the ploy to live in it. Some ppl say that we have to forget our past, live in our present, and be ready for our future. However, there's an absolute fact we need to admit that not all past can be forgotten, not all present can be maintained, yet not all future can be completed. The past, the present, and the future are things that closely linked to each other and no matter how, we just can't break the line.
I love being here. New place, new friends, new language, new lifestyle, new bf, new story, but somehow, because everything is new to me..., I feel new too. Not infrequently, I feel so alienated. Not infrequently. It's like..you are in the midst of a crowd, but you still feel alone; you are talking to ppl, but you yourself don't get what you are talking about; you are laughing out loud, but you have no idea what actually you are laughing at. I know these sound complicated yet stupid. Some of you may even think what the hell is this girl talking about. However this is just something that words can't describe and feelings can't express. This is randomly random. Only ppl who ever feel this way could understand how if feels. but i do wonder if there's one.
Having new friends which come from many different countries around the world is amazing. You know and learn lotsa new things which is beyond your imagination. Having a new bf who always be there for you and might fulfill common things that you want without needing any instructions is another great thing happening on earth. We meet-more and text-less, and that's good. I mean, I don't wanna waste my time talking to the screen hours per day and meet like once in a decade. When ppl say love is complicated, I don't believe. Love is heavenly simple. Love and care each other, communicate well, give some trusts (but not too much), spend more time together, avoid high expectation, don't do not-preferred actions, and always be a little romantic. Well, I'm not a love expert or what, but like seriously, it is actually as simple as the word is.
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I wish mind readers do really exist in this life, so that my life will be much more easier. I have been so sensitive these lately I know and the matter is I can't even express what I actually feel to a proper action, and that's bad. Trucks of things are spinning inside this head lately. I kept asking some of my friends "How do you feel if you were me?" and "What will you do if you were me?" and "When do you think all those things will stop?". Their responses were mostly what normal ppl will feel and do. Then, why do I keep smiling and acting like nothing's happened? It's more like...you fully realize that if you do sth, the impact will be bad. On the other hand, if you keep it going on like this, the question is till when? The answer is still left unanswered, till today. sigh
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The good thing is, it's around 9 more days to my home town. I'm gonna celebrate my cny there and that's great. I didn't plan to go back previously, but I couldn't hold the feeling of missing my family and friends anm. Mom, dad, sister, and esp my brother are the best part of my life. Besides, grandpa and grandma are getting older and I don't wanna miss a time gathering with them. I love my family so much.
Having extremely crazy, fun, and humble friends is another blessing in this life. I admit that I don't make friends easily. So in short, the ones who I stay with till now are the one who fully understand me and I feel convenient hanging out with. I miss my friends. I seriously miss them, esp Viona. I can't recall when was the last time we met. It has been a decade since the last time we met. She sat in front of me for a year, and next to me for the rest 3 years since JHS till SHS. Words can't describe how much I miss her anm. I miss how we studied together for every exam and sometimes what we wrote on the exam paper were totally the same bcs we memorized every single step and word together, I miss how I pinched and hit her hands when I was panic every time joining any competitions, I miss our lunch time, I miss how I always nagged to her every time I had problems, and many more things that can't fit into pages. I miss everything about her. I hope this year I could meet her. hiks. I miss the others too. Friends from different ranges of age. They are rare, and yes, the best. January, be good <3
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WHAT IF YOUR GUESS IS ALWAYS RIGHT?
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Veronica
